You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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