he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
