If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
