I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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