You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
