dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
