She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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