I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
