I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
