If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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