you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
as a side note pls kill me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
