I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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