how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
