We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
