happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
