He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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