im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
