I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
