Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
