My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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