i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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