my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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