I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
