I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
