i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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