she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
FUCK WHALES
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
