The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
