If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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