Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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