he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
