so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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