I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
