ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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