so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
