We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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