We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
