I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
