There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
