First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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