Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
