Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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