I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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