Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
