fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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