i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
