I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
that is very illegal...i love you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
