True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
