Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
