Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
