god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
