omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
