what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
