she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
