Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
