Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
