i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
