I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
