sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
