He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
