I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
