Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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