You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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