It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
